Veterans Official Steps
Down After Theft

By HOPE YEN

The Associated Press
Tuesday, May 30, 2006; 7:24 PM

WASHINGTON -- A Veterans Affairs deputy assistant secretary who didn't immediately notify top officials about a theft of 26.5 million veterans' personal information is stepping down, citing missteps that led to the security breach.

Michael H. McLendon, deputy assistant secretary for policy who supervised the VA data analyst who lost the data, said he would relinquish his high-level post on Friday.

The data analyst also will be dismissed while the acting head of the division in which he worked, Dennis Duffy, has been placed on administrative leave, VA Secretary Jim Nicholson said Tuesday.

McLendon is the first official to depart after Nicholson pledged to hold officials accountable following the May 3 burglary, in which a laptop computer and disks were stolen from an agency analyst's home in Maryland.

"Words are inadequate to describe how I feel about these recent events and the impact on the band of brothers and sisters of service members and veterans that we are supposed to serve," McLendon wrote in a letter obtained Tuesday by The Associated Press.

"Given that this very serious and tragic event occurred on my watch and in my organization, I feel it necessary that I tender my resignation," stated the letter, which was submitted to the VA late Friday. "I would be modeling the wrong behavior to my staff and others in VA if I took no action to be responsible."

The resignation comes as the VA is under attack for a three-week delay in publicizing the burglary in what has become one of the nation's largest security breaches. During hearings last week, Nicholson said he was "mad as hell" that employees did not notify him of the May 3 burglary until May 16; the public was told on May 22.

On Tuesday, Nicholson announced that he had named Paul Hutter, the current assistant general counsel for management and operations, as interim head of VA's Office of Policy and Planning, filling Duffy's spot.

Hutter will lead the department "in light of recent, unacceptable events within VA's Office of Policy and Planning" while the Senate considers the recent nomination of Patrick W. Dunne to the post, Nicholson said.

According to congressional testimony, the VA data analyst immediately informed his supervisors _ including McLendon _ after the theft of a laptop and disks that contained veterans' birthdates, Social Security numbers and disability ratings at the data analyst's home in Aspen Hill, Md.

At the time, the data analyst took responsibility and acknowledged he had violated agency procedures by taking the information home, according to a VA briefing paper given to Congress.

McLendon informed other officials, who then told Deputy Secretary Gordon Mansfield, the agency's No. 2 official, on May 10. But no formal action was taken until the VA inspector general's office heard about the theft through office gossip on May 10 and began a separate investigation.

On Tuesday, some veterans' groups said it was appropriate that McLendon stepped down. But they expressed concern that he and the midlevel data analyst _ who has been placed on administrative leave pending the investigation _ would be made scapegoats, citing a complete communications breakdown in the agency.

"We can't be blaming this whole thing on some data analyst and his boss," said Bob Wallace, executive director of Veterans of Foreign Wars. "There are many more individuals in this chain of command that I hope would be held accountable."

The breach is second only to a hacking incident last June at CardSystems Solutions in which the accounts of 40 million credit card holders were compromised.

Join them for some real "classic" fun.

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth. "It don't really matter," replied the trucker. "I'm gonna fuck ya anyway."

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What's a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!" Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results. He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, asshole! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your thick head?" He replies, "Oh, I know we're divorced! I just can't hear it often enough!"

Editorials

Government does veterans a great disservice


Tuesday, May 30, 2006 11:22 AM EDT

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

There's a reason a segment of the American population doesn't want the government rooting through phone records and otherwise vacuuming up sensitive personal information about their lives in the name of fighting terrorism.

Along comes the Department of Veterans Affairs to make us wonder what other departments operate so cavalierly, then stick us with the bill for good measure.

Veterans Affairs officials waited two weeks to notify the FBI of the theft of personal data, including names, Social Security numbers, birth dates and disability ratings of veterans discharged since 1975.

In one of the nation's largest security breaches, this lack of notification delayed warning 26.5 million veterans.

A government laptop computer and an external hard drive with the veterans' information were stolen from a Montgomery, Md., home on May 3.

The analyst placed on leave was not only not authorized to take the data home, it turns out this has been occurring since 2003!

Veterans Affairs now promises to restrict sensitive data to those who need it and to conduct background checks on those who do.

In other words, better close the barn door now that the horses have galloped away.

Perhaps a common clueless criminal won't have any idea how to realize the value of the purloined data and drain veterans back accounts, but once such information is compromised, fraud could occur next month or beyond.

To add insult to injury, it will cost at least $10 million merely to inform veterans that their personal information may be in the hands of criminals.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Jim Nicholson warned Congress on Thursday that the ultimate price tag of the government's response might be tens of millions more.

He tossed out the figure of $100 million taxpayers will be expected to absorb.

Nicholson assured lawmakers he's “mad as hell” at the employee, so the scolding he got for systemic problems perhaps surprised him.

The agency's inspector general, George Opfer, has been reporting identified weaknesses in the VA information technology system and lax security for years, but like so many sectors of the federal bureaucracy sinking under the weight of its own information, warnings once again fell on deaf ears.

“You seem to be saying it's just one employee,” noted Sen. Susan Collins, R-Maine, to Nicholson. “But it's not just one employee. You have a high-risk, vulnerable system.”

“In the last five years, a host of agencies have reported that the VA has had many problems with information security. How did the VA react? With indifference,” Rep. Bob Filner, D-Calif., said at a House hearing.

It might be news to him, since nobody bothered mentioning the theft to Nicholson until May 16.

The agency's inspector general relied on office gossip to get in the loop.

Nicholson alerted the FBI May 17. A public announcement finally came on May 22.

“I can't explain the lapses of judgment on the behalf of my people,” Nicholson said, sounding about as convincing as an Enron executive.

May 25 Veterans Affairs and the FBI announced a $50,000 reward for information leading to the recovery of the stolen data.

(This is generating fewer and fewer reports by the hour. Last Thursday, there were headlines, Friday many took the day off anticipating a holiday weekend. After the BBQs and sunburns and time/space disorientation of a 3 day weekend, there is no new news. Hashed over stories in small town papers are all that's left. The rrant employee is sitting around his apratment, waiting for the grievance board to meet to decide his fate. This will be a process of weeks or months and in the end, he'll have a minor blot in his Permanant Record and back to work as usual. Nothing at VA will change, Nicholson will be gone in a year or two, onto the lucrative consultancy that awaits federal chieftains, Veterans will wonder where their benefits are and the beat goes on.)

Regarding your article "Veterans assess info theft risk", please let your Boulder Vet Center office manager Brent Offermann know that his was one of the more insulting although fairly typical responses I've seen since this occurred.

The blizzard of press across the nation has been full of a lot of misinformation but his quote, "It's the same chances of winning the lottery...There's some bright people in Washington, D.C., that will take care of the issue.", will likely win some sort of prize.

I'm reading this in Georgia where we've had our own unique blend of wackos and nut-cases hooting and hollering but it appears you in Colorado have us soundly beat. Congratulations!

Brent seems to be totally disconnected from the fact that it was those "bright people" in Washington that violated the law (for 3 years running), took home a laptop full of data, managed to get it stolen, didn't report it for weeks, mismanaged the reporting process when they did finally report it and have fumbled the process since then. The IG & FBI is fuming mad, local police are furious, the VA Director has been angrily hauled in front of congress, President Bush is involved, millions of Veterans have no idea what their risk may be and Brent says, "Don't worry, be happy!"

I'll take my chances with the lottery Brent, whatever that means.

And then, resident expert Peggy Foster tells us that identity theft is "very common" and ""It happened to me before". Peggy is an esteemed VA Services assistant and she says, ""I don't fault the employees...they are all understaffed and overwhelmed. It's unfortunate."

That's great Peggy, really great. Yes indeed, it is unfortunate, isn't it? When a federal employee is in clear violation of the law and causes millions of Veterans throughout the United States at the least high anxiety and most unforeseen problems for years to come, to say nothing of the cost to taxpayers of the millions of dollars of revenue already wasted in ongoing criminal investigations, we should never ever hold those employees accountable for their unlawful actions.

Peggy typifies everything wrong with VA today. "Don't blame me" she says. "We're overworked. If I knowingly break the law, it's because you made me do it. Nothing is my fault. I cut corners, provide poor service, have a terrible attitude, and I'm rude to you on the telephone because of you. I am never ever responsible for my failures."

Yes, I'm a Veteran too. I'm a VAVS volunteer, I give hundreds and hundreds of hours every year to make VA Hospitals better places for Vets who need them and overall, VA health is the best in the nation. The VA benefits centers, those places where Brent and Peggy work along with the laptop guy...they all need to be fired, the slate should be wiped clean and it should be rebuilt from the ground up, Brent and Peggy and the guy with the laptop have to go right now or we will see this happen again and again and again. They just don't get it.

It's unfortunate, it really is.

(I wrote the reporter , the author of the article below that response you see above. I posted it to her in care of her editor, she didn't seem to have an email address. As today has worn on, I've come back and reread the comments that Brent and Peggy each made to the press and I hope that each time I read it I'll find I was wrong about my feelings earlier. I'm not. Those two are so typical, so far removed from reality, it's stunning. This is your VA services today.

Two years ago, I was to have a "Personal Hearing" at my VARO near Atlanta, Georgia. I shared the date with my wife so she could plan to drive me there. She quickly pointed out that the date that VA had scheduled was a Federal Holiday, Martin Luther King's birthday. Now, if this were Des Moines or Fargo, maybe we could forgive the error. This is scheduled in Decatur, Atlanta...the epicenter, ground zero for everything that is MLK. I called VA and got nothing. Typical. I called DAV, my chosen representative and was assured it was on the calendar, scheduled and I needed to be there. I argued that was wrong...I was warned I would surely lose by default if i didn't show. So, we were there at the appointed time. Alone. At a locked and shuttered building on a federal holiday. There has never been an explanation, no apology. A 4 hour drive each way, a days pay for my wife lost. No mileage paid as it was a hearing at my request.

Two years later, the hearing hasn't been rescheduled. Every now and then I get a form letter that VA is sorry for the delay, they're working on my file and will do their best to move things along, they really do want to assist me as quickly as they can.)

From The Colorado Daily dot com

Veterans assess info theft risk

By AMBER WALZ
Saturday, May 27, 2006 11:35 PM MDT

A security breach of veterans' records has caused needed debate about prevention as well as detection of identity theft and has spurred full-scale investigations by both the FBI and the Veterans Affairs Inspector General's office.

The records were stolen during a burglary of the home of a Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) data analyst on May 3. The data analyst violated departmental policy by bringing home a laptop containing a database of sensitive information. It is likely the largest ever reported security breach of social security numbers, affecting 26.5 million veterans discharged since 1975 and their spouses.

Boulder County officials say there are more than 20 thousand veterans in the area, but less than half of them were discharged since 1975.

“It's the same chances of winning the lottery,” said Boulder Vet Center office manager and veteran Brent Offermann. “There's some bright people in Washington, D.C., that will take care of the issue.”

This is not an isolated incident.

“It's very common,” said University of Colorado-Boulder VA Services assistant and veteran Peggy Foster of identity theft. “It happened to me before and everything was stolen. Now I'm very cautious about giving my information out.”

The information stolen from the VA data analyst included social security numbers, names, birthdates and disability rating information that tells each person's level of disability, but didn't include financial and health record information. Veteran department officials waited two weeks to notify those affected and the FBI, but there is no evidence that the information has been misused yet.

“I don't fault the employees,” Foster said. “They are all understaffed and overwhelmed. It's unfortunate.”

(I thought this was one of the better quotes from VA officials I'd seen in the last few days. I'm going to spend some time trying to figure out exactly what he means when Brent says, "It's the same chances of winning the lottery..." in reference to the theft of Veteran's personal data. There must be some gold in there somewhere and I'll find it if I just ponder it long enough. Then Peggy tells us that, "It's very common..." as she explains away data identity theft with a quick pooh poohing. After all, it's happened to her, it happens to everyone nowadays, right? No big deal. It's like being mugged or carjacked or raped, it happens to almost everyone and not much can be done so suck it up why don't you? And we all agree; "I don't fault the employees...They are all understaffed and overwhelmed. It's unfortunate." No, we should never ever fault any employees if they're understaffed and overwhelmed. In the last 30 or 40 years this country has learned a few things about not blaming anyone for a piss poor performance and the VA epitomizes that philosophy. If you're understaffed and overwhelmed and accidents happen, well hey...it can't be helped, right? Ask any doctor or nurse or fireman. Brent would be forgiving if his mom didn't get her 9 PM medications in the ICU and had a stroke...I know he would, you know that nursing shortage is tough, right Brent? So somebody's mom is going to come up short, this time it was yours and we all feel bad but...understaffing and overwhelming, gosh, you know. Brent and Peggy are the perfect spokespersons for the VA system as it exists today. "Don't blame us!" is the motto. "We knew it was illegal, immoral and reprehensible to do this but that's how it's been done forever and we didn't think anyone would notice." is their operating call to get the job half done. "It's 4 PM and I'm going home." is how they handle the mound of work that piles up over the years. Is there a single person who believes the mystery employee who had the laptop stolen was taking it home to work on it? Class? Anyone? Class?)

If we were to combine the last two postings? Could issues at VA be improved?

Experts caution that large hurricane evacuations may not go smoothly, although plans improved

(I suppose I can't help myself and I should apologize and just move on. I see words like "smoothly" and "evacuations" or "Experts say evacuations remain challenging" and just have to GIS and then...)

VA Chief to Undergo Tough Questioning

CAPITOL HILL -- Veterans Administration Secretary Jim Nicholson can expect some very tough questions today from Congress about the theft of veterans' personal information.Lawmakers are furious that the sensitive information may have been compromised, and that it took almost three weeks for the VA to make it public. Senate Veterans Affairs Committee Chairman Larry Craig says he wants to hear from Nicholson about the timing, security procedures and who was involved.

(Oh sure. Yes. Puhleeze. Nicholson hasn't figured out where his parking place is yet. The guy is a TEMP. Doesn't anybody get this? He isn't an employee with benefits and perks and rights like the fellow who had been taking home the laptop for years and years, Nicholson is just marking some time until he can move on to the next appointment and the next president appoints the next temp to the VA director slot and the beat goes on.

It's how it works and the VA has caught on to this like no other federal or state or county or city organization in any country on the planet. These guys are GREAT at what they do, serving themselves. Nicholson will show up, be treated with courtesy and respect, like royalty really and then while the cameras are rolling, a few congresspersonablepeoplemen will bluster and storm around and thats it.

If they can find a Kennedy sober enough there may be an entertaining moment or two and it'll all be over, off to the Ritz Carlton for a lunch thing and to the beach...it's Memorial weekend fer Chrissakes.

There is no change happening at the VA. None. Rank and file employees at this very minute are conducting meetings to close doors, to protect themselves, to keep out intruders. No change, nada, zip, zero, nothing.)

I talk of it often so here it is, the VA Bible. If you care for some brain tightening, go to CFR 38 and prepare for a workout. I'm sure Lewis Carrol had a hand in writing this in concert with old Tim Leary. I'll get around to putting a more permanant link on the sidebar soon.

VA breach discovered through office gossip...

In four hours of testimony, IG George Opfer said the department failed to heed years of warnings about lax security and noted that the employee who lost the data when his house was burglarized had been improperly taking the material home for three years. Earlier, VA Secretary Jim Nicholson said he was "mad as hell" that he wasn't told about the burglary until May 16 — nearly two weeks after it happened. Nicholson acknowledged that officials including Deputy Secretary of Veterans Affairs Gordon Mansfield knew about the incident earlier, but would not say whether Mansfield should be punished, citing a need for a full investigation. "As a veteran, I am outraged. Frankly I'm mad as hell," Nicholson said, pledging strong action against those responsible. "I can't explain the lapses of judgment on the behalf of my people. We will stay focused on these problems until we get them fixed."

"I don't feel any of the personal pain or outrage of your action," said Sen. Susan Collins R-Maine, who chairs the Homeland Security Committee. "This was a monumental breach. It was inconceivable that it involved such long delays."

(OK...More of the same chest thumping behavior by the natives. I'm not familiar with Senator Susan Collins, probably because she is from maine, an inconsequential frozen state of few people who are disconnected with most of the rest of us and she proves the disconnect when she says, "It was inconceivable that it involved such long delays.", speaking of a delay within the VA system. Dear, sweet, innocent congresspersonmanSusan, a "down easter" as I believe they like to refer to themselves for some unknown reason, has apparently never actually tried dealing with the VA before. The VA's very existence is founded upon the fact of delay. To NOT delay on a matter of the simplest solution would undermine the very reason for being the VA. Good Lord, to react quickly to a "monumental breach" such as this would be, well, treason of sorts. It might set a damn precedent. You know, if you ever react quicky once and show that it can be done, they may begin to expect it of you on a regular basis and then what have you got? Anarchy, that's what. Every error will require a fast correction. There'll come a day that there'll be zero tolerance for any mistakes at all. The mind boggles at the thought.)

WASHINGTON Investigators say Veterans Administration officials did not heed warnings to tighten access to personal data for millions of U-S veterans. They add that the mistake could lead to one of the nation's largest cases of identity theft.And, to make matters worse, the Justice Department was not told about the recent theft of data on more than 26 million vets until two weeks later. That brings into question whether the V-A acted quickly enough to notify veterans of the problem Personal information -- mainly from veterans discharged since 1975 -- was stolen from an employee's home in what appeared to be a routine burglary. Officials say the employee reported the theft promptly to the V-A.

(I won't even bother linking any more of these to their sources. I use the Google Alerts or Word Search or whatever it's called and my mailbox is being deluged with local news programs reporting to their readers that the VA has been negligent in its duty to protect the Veteran. This one is almost breathless that VA officials 'did not heed warnings' blah, blah, blah. Good Lord people, the VA doesn't have to heed warnings from anyone at any time.

Nobody seems to be snapping to the fact that the VA system is accountable only to the VA system. Congress has no infuence. The VA's own director wasn't brought into the damn loop for 3 weeks. The only guy who is suffering right at this moment is the poor fool who took that laptop home. I'm betting he took it home because he doesn't have a computer at his apartment and he wanted to surf some pr0n. I just don't see a low level guy at VA burning that midnight oil at his low level broken into aprtment.

VA doesn't have to answer any questions. Nothing is going to change. The arrogance at VA is greater than that of a cash hungry Louisiana politician. They can not be punished. There is no wrong doing at VA. That isn't covered in CFR38. Read it for yourself. I have. It's perfectly clear. VA is right. You are wrong.)

"I will not tolerate inaction and poor judgment when it comes to protecting our veterans," Nicholson said in a statement.

Summoning the Veterans Affairs chief to Capitol Hill, lawmakers are demanding to know why the department waited nearly three weeks to disclose the theft of personal data from 26.5 million veterans. Also at issue is why the department waited so long before acknowledging that a government-owned laptop and disks were stolen in what appeared to be a routine burglary at an agency analyst's home in Maryland. In a statement, Nicholson said he was outraged by his agency's decision to keep the theft quiet for so long. He said he had asked the agency's inspector general to determine who knew what and when. "I will not tolerate inaction and poor judgment when it comes to protecting our veterans," Nicholson said in a statement.
____________________________________________________________


The above was quoted from a Yahoo Internet news story today May 25th 2006, one of about ten thousand this week dealing with the theft of a laptop computer containing Veterans social seurity numbers and other private information.

____________________________________________________________

"... to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan..." Abraham Lincoln

Thus began what became the Veterans Administration according to popular lore.

The above quote is inscribed in granite above the headquarters building of the Veterans Administration in Washington, D.C. Of all the quotes inscribed above all the buildings in that town so famous for fluffing up famous sayings, none is quite as stretched out of proportion as that above.

Ask any Veteran of United States military service today what the VA has done for them since they were discharged. Before you ask, get prepared. You'll hear the same story again and again.

At first you'll think that all Veterans are simply a group of disgruntled, angry, drug abusing, alcohol swilling, shell shocked, sour-grapes sorts of people. You'll tell yourself that there can't possibly be a government agency this corrupt, this arrogant, this innefficient and this...wrong, allowed to exist. It just can't be. This is America isn't it? If it were really this bad, it would have been fixed long ago.

So, your easy answer will be that all the Veterans you talk to are angry and bitter. Angry and bitter about...well, what?

We're angry that not one of us are surprised that the incident of the stolen laptop occurred.

The congress and senate and other capitol hill power people are all acting shocked & awed and demanding answers and thumping their scrawny chests in unison but nary a single Veteran who has ever called the VA is surpised in the least.

The VA answers to no master.

The good employees of the Internal Revenue Service look over at their cousins at VA with admiration and wonder how they managed to create such a perfect world.

And it is a perfect world. For the VA, not for the Veteran. First, you must understand what the VA is. It is a Hydra, a multi headed beast loosely connected to a massive, sluggish body.

It's stated goal and purpose is service and support to a unique breed of Americans. These Americans are warriors who have joined an exclusive club. A club so exclusive that enrollment is limited to those who are qualified by certain physical and mental traits that it encourages them to travel to foreign lands, meet strange and beautiful people, use deadly explosive or chemical or radioactive devices that cost billions of taxpayer's dollars and kill hundreds of thousands of those people legally and then return home as if not much had happened.

Some of the Hydra's heads seem to function reasonably well. Most Veterans get a home loan without a problem. Education is usually pretty smooth. Getting into the health care sytem can be a challenge but if a Veteran needs care, once in, the VA health system is suddenly being seen as a model for other systems in the country in many areas.

But then...there's the rub. Getting in the system.

The VA has a "disability benefits system". This is the dark secret, the large part of the Hydra, the ugliest head that nobody wants to talk about. This head controls all the rest. If VA has a multiple personality disorder, this is the dominant personality that comes out at all the parties, right at the worst time and ruins it for everyone. The other heads talk about this one when it's distracted and they fear it.

Most Veterans never see combat. The average Soldier, Sailor, Marine or Airman is in a support role. I never had a bullet fired at me. I wasn't exposed to agent orange or atomic radiation. No gooks or slopes rushed at me and I didn't storm any nazis. No punji sticks, I didn't trip any booby traps or claymores. Nothing. Zip, zero, nada. Yet, I collect a service connected disability benefit and I feel damn well jusified in doing so.

Why?

By the time I was 18, I had completed basic training at Ft. Benning, Georgia. That alone is more than any civilian will ever have to face. No athlete, no pro football player, no mountain climber will do anything as rigorous as what a young man or woman will go through in Army or Marine basic. I can't speak to Air Force or Navy...I won't knock it although from what I'm told, it isn't as physically demanding. I do know there is nothing in civilan life that will compare.

For the next 3 years, I worked. Hard. By age 19 I was doing work that I would not have been expected to do in any comparable civilian position. I'm not bragging, not complaining, just saying.

There were few days off. We were a team. We depended on each other. There was no slack. The motto was that we had to do more and more with less and less until we could do it all with nothing. Accomplish the mission.

There was no choice. We were medics. We worked with surgeons in operating rooms and at that time, lives of comrades depended on us doing what we did. It wasn't heroics, it was what it was.
So, we got hurt, broke bones, pulled backs, slipped, fell, went without sleep...whatever.

We came home, ignored the aches and pains but eventually figured out we needed some help and knocked on the door of the VA. We knock again and again and again. Grudingly, it's eventually answered. A mound of paper is filled out. Benefits are applied for. And promptly denied. Not enough evidence. Appealed. Denied. Appealed.

A small amount is finally granted. This takes 4 years. You are now classified as 10% disabled, service connected, for an injury that is well documented to have occurred while you were on active duty.

You are not allowed to hire a lawyer. The VA is the last of the federal agencies that denies a plaintiff (or defendant?) the right to true legal representation when VA itself is loaded to its ears with lawyers.

You may not speak with a VA representative except to be told the staus of your appeal. The VA has no mandatory timeline to issue a decision. VA does not tell you what evidence you must submit but in the most general terms. Generally speaking, they are not required to show you evidence they will use aginst you when making a decision prior to making said decision.

VA relies on the highly technical legalspeak of CFR 38. These regulations are arcane, masterfully written to be so twisted, so incomprehensable that even an experienced lawyer would shake his head in wonder at it all. With a few years of practice one can make CFR 38 say anything one wishes it to say, it simply depends on the mood of the moment.

You are encouraged to use a Veterans Service Organization (VSO) to represent you to VA. These are mostly volunteers who help you complete your initial paperwork and set you free to drift alone in the VA sea. They aren't lawyers, they are often poorly trained and have no secrets to get anything done.

You may be advised to write your congressman. He will never read it of course. An assistant in his office will forward it to the VA Regional Office (VARO) where your file is kept asking for an inquiry. Your file is then pulled and sent to Washington for review by that special VA office that handles congressional inquiries. A sweetheart letter is eventually sent to your congressperson explaining that your application for benefits is being processed along with the others, it's in the pipeline, VA is doing its job in its usual efficient manner, all things are steady and good and fine and not to worry and God Bless America.

You'll eventually get a letter from your congressman telling you that the investigation is complete and you should be patient and the local Veteran's Center is waiting to serve you and God Bless America.

Your congressman has never actually been in the loop, he's been busy wrapping bundles of cash for his freezer you see. There are priorities in life after all.

Your VARO has set up the system so that anyone who dares to write a letter to congress is punished. Your file was pulled from the already slow circuit it was crawling along in and sent via bicycle courier to Washington. As it waited for a day when there wasn't a federal holiday and someone was in the office to process it as if it had been reviewed, it was out of the loop. When it was returned to your VARO, it went back to the beginning of the line.

You've added months to the process by asking for help to speed things along.

So suddenly there are millions of Veteran names, numbers, data stolen from a laptop computer and all these important Washingtonians are outraged, outraged you hear! Harumph, Harumph!

Details are still emerging but it seems that a VA employee took his laptop home to do some extra work. That alone is suspicious. Extra work, off the clock, by a VA employee just doesn't sound right but maybe I'm being mean spirited.

VA employees aren't supposed to take laptops home with them, sort of defeating the purpose of having a laptop but again I digress.

The laptop is stolen. Files are gone. This theft is apparently not reported to police authorities for maybe 2 weeks. It isn't reported to the director of the VA for the same period of time.

VA doesn't tell anybody until the story of the theft is about to be leaked to the press is seemingly how it is unfolding. And everyone is shocked and awed.

Except Veterans who have dealt with VA.

We know. Yes, we know. Veterans know.

The VA's attitude was simple. They didn't need to tell their director. He's a politician, a temp. He's here today, gone tomorrow, a pretty face with no real authority to do anything. I doubt anyone knew how to reach him. Within VA the phones never work very well in the first place so if they left him a message and he didn't get it, well, what's to be done about that?

Call the police? You're kidding? That's not covered anywhere in CFR38 is it? The police have no authority to deal with Veterans Affairs, that's the sacred trust of the VA and VA will not breach that trust and allow an outside agency to pry into the hallowed halls of that most treasured national resource, our Veterans.

Why, we at the VA consider ourselves to be the watchdogs and guardians and on this Memorial Day...

Can't you hear it now? The VA is your best friend, Veteran. And don't you forget it.

The FBI revealed Sunday that Jefferson, under investigation for bribery, was videotaped accepting $100,000 in $100 bills from an FBI informant whose conversations with the lawmaker also were recorded.

Both parties have protested the Saturday night search of Jefferson's office on Capitol Hill, which they said violated the Constitution's separation of powers doctrine.

FBI agents searched Jefferson's office in pursuit of evidence in a bribery investigation. The search warrant, signed by U.S. District Court Judge Thomas Hogan, was based on an affidavit that said agents found $90,000 in cash stashed in the freezer of Jefferson's home.

Democrats, meanwhile, tried to get Jefferson to resign his seat on the House's most prestigious panel.

"In the interest of upholding the high ethical standard of the House Democratic Caucus, I am writing to request your immediate resignation from the Ways and Means Committee," wrote Pelosi.

Jefferson was defiant.

"With respect, I decline to do so," he wrote back to Pelosi. "I will not give up a committee assignment that is so vital to New Orleans at this crucial time for any uncertain, long-term political strategy."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales tried to strike a conciliatory tone, saying, "We have a great deal of respect for the Congress as a coequal branch of government." But he also defended the search: "We have an obligation to the American people to pursue the evidence where it exists."

(In non-politician talk...what the rest of of who don't hold an elected office in Washington, D.C. speak, what's happening here is simple. This man is so full of his importance he resembles your grandma's old stuffed sofa. He used that self-importance to influence others to give him money in exchange for favors. He has a great deal of influence on how highly lucrative government contracts are awarded. This is not speculation, this is cold, hard fact. HA! I made a funny. Cold. get it? The cash that he took from an informant, on a videotape, with Hollywood quality sound apparently, was carefully wrapped in a freezer at one of his homes..._one_of_his_homes. So, he's a crook. You know it, I know it, even old Nanci with an I knows it. He has been asked and demanded to turn over documents for weeks, months and longer and has refused. Not documents relating to matters of country or world importance but documents relating to him being a crook. He refused. You try that some day and let me know how it turns out for you. With your one call. So a federal judge, knowing the feces will hit the ventilator shaft, writes a perfectly legal warrant and they go get the damn papers this crook is hiding and now the rest of congress is crying foul. They think their offices are some sort of 14th century church and sanctity has been violated. I cry BS and say he needs to be arrested, handcuffed and perp walked right now on a charge of being arrogant and stupid. American politicians have simply gotten out of hand. Way out of hand. $90,000.00 wrapped like catfish in the freezer, indeed.)

"Family Values" Candidate Is Deadbeat Dad

(KSDK) - A St. Louis politician, whose ads promoting his campaign for the state house describe him as a "devoted father," owes more than $7,000 past due child support payments.

The politician is Talibdin El-Amin, currently a ward committeeman in the City of St. Louis, but is running for the Missouri House of Representatives in the 57th District.

His wife, Yaphett El-Amin, currently holds that spot, but hopes to move up to a Missouri Senate seat, and he hopes to fill her old job.

The children, 13 and 11, are the children of Antonnia Washington, who had a long-term relationship in years past with Talibdin El-Amin. Washington knew El-Amin as Mark Bastain, and their two children carry that last name.

(OK...I'm not in the least surprised that a politician running on a "Family Values" platform owes child support for children he fathered out of wedlock. He's a politician. That automatically makes him a liar. How can you tell when a politician is bullshitting you about anything he says? His lips are moving! These are the jokes folks. It's not getting any better than that. That was funny. OK, anyhow, what surprised me were the names. This is in Missouri. Not New York City or Newark. Did you try to keep up with the names? Talibdin El-Amin sired some rug-rats by impregnating Antonnia Washington when he was known as Mark Bastain before he married Yaphett El-Amin. She (Yaphett) has a job that Mark...er-uh, Talibdin, wants...maybe so he can get caught up on those support payments and be that family kind of guy he dreams of. Missouri? I thought Missouri had a bunch of Hatfields and McCoys and Smiths and Joneses? Just damn.)

Fish killed as soft drink leaks from factory

It's too good to be true. I always hated that stuff, not for its really nasty non-nutrition high sugar thing and bold-face lies about it, but it just tasted terrible. It was terrible. Thousands of gallons of this chemical ooze laying there polluting, killing fish. Gaaaghhh.

Woman rips off her husband's testicles with bare hands...

Drudge likes to get your attention with the facts! I fainted before I could click-through.

Runaway Bride's Wedding Reportedly Off

Jennifer Wilbanks, 33, told People Magazine: "John and I have some things to work out."

Tell me it ain't so Jennifer.

Hello? Yes, OK...I'll buy that, she's available now, fellows. Any of you single guys with some time to spare, she's going to require some attention you see...

A 3-year-old boy from Mexico died while crossing the desert southwest of Tucson with his mother, according to the U.S. Border Patrol.

The boy's body was left behind by the unidentified woman, who later told border agents about his death, authorities said Tuesday.

Authorities are waiting for an autopsy to be conducted to determine the cause of death and whether any charges will be filed against the mother, said Jesus Rodriguez, a spokesman for the Border Patrol's Tucson Sector.

Agents apprehended the woman early Monday about six miles west of Sells and she later told authorities that she had left her son in the desert and he was dead.

The body was found about 3 a.m. Tuesday on the Tohono Oodham reservation southwest of Tucson, Rodriguez said.

The woman is in Border Patrol custody and the Mexican Consulate has been notified of the incident, authorities said.

Now we're all thinking about Mexico and immigration control and that we have 12 million (12,000,000!!!) illegal aliens here, mostly Mexican and stories like that above are just routine...isn't it time someone sat Vicinte Fox down in front of a camera and asked him the very simple question; "Mr. President, why is it that your people are so desperate to leave your country that they are willing to die, to sacrifice everything, including their children, for a life in the USA? Everyone has known for decades a better life exists north of the border, that the Mexican government is one of the most corrupt in history and that life in Mexico is worth very little. Is your government actually doing anything at all to improve the lives of your people so they may want to stay in Mexico and make Mexico a better place to live or have you given up?"

OOPS, too late to be draping yourself with an American flag now. When illegals pounded the pavement a couple weeks ago, blustering and threatening the rest of us with a shut-down of the services they provide and wrapping themselves in mostly Mexican flags, a few interesting things came to light. The services they shut down weren't really noticed but by each other. Oh sure, if they were gone for a month, maybe we'd see a difference in the price of Claxton chicken or corn tortillas but otherwise...not so much. Then they, and we, all discovered none of us want to be told by anyone who is "illegal" under any circumstance that we who are "legal" *must* do anything for a lawbreaker.

That message sounded clearer than ever before. The definition of "legal" and "illegal" suddenly was defined to Americans who hadn't given it much though previously.

Then the media, they who love drama, showed stories of cities being held captive by illegals, tens of thousands of illegals taking over city services, welfare programs, failing schools, serious gang warfare (Latinos can teach the Crips & Bloods a thing or two about gang warfare.) and babies...oh my God Latinos, mostly Catholic, they love to reproduce at government expense.

So, the strategy has backfired on them and we're now on a massive push-em-back, way-back play to get them across into that 3rd world desolate country where politicians are as crooked as any in Louisiana and crime is considered an ordinary way of making a living, not even a very good living...it's just another job.

So here are a couple of photos of ol' Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran. He's been getting some attention lately by yelling and fussing about peaceful nuclear energy (wink, wink) and writing letters to the President of The United States almost like he really believed they would be read in the oval office.

"Mr. President, Mr. President, the letter from Iran has arrived."

"Really? Well, anyone seen my reading glasses? Crap, c'mon guys, at a time like this, why can't you at least give a hand here and find my reading glasses? This is a PRESIDENT for crying out loud...of another nation! I need to at least read what he has to say, you never know...maybe this time it's not a complete looney tunes whack job religion spewing...what? It is? Well, never mind the damn reading glasses then. Anyone heard from Laura lately?"

So, anyhow, it's fun to watch the middle eastern types as they rise up to rule the world over and over again and then watch as they disintegrate from within from that most terrible of all religions they invented for themselves. Honest to God (oops) don't they get it?

As long as their religious leaders have an equal or stronger voice in running the country as their economic and scientific leaders do, they're just going to crumble every time. It's been happening for centuries, it ain't about to reverse tomorrow. The Mullahs and Imams and PooBahs and Ding Dongs and tribal leaders have got to take a back seat to the financiers and the software developers and the cooks and the bakers and the candlestick makers or there will be strife and unrest that will rip apart whatever they attempt.

Our American democracy is founded on a religious belief. Amongst many other beliefs. Such as freedom of choice to worship. And make money. And be a woman with makeup on and go out in public without being beaten to a pulp. Until they understand the place of religion in society, just as we do, they are doomed to failure. In the meantime, they're fun to watch.

Miami Commissioner arrested after fracas at airport

His breath smelling of alcohol, Miami City Commissioner Johnny Winton last night angrily reminded airport police officers of his elected position before telling them ''Go f**k yourselves,'' according to a newly obtained police report.

After being led away in handcuffs, Winton hit a police officer's jaw with his shoulder and kicked another in the groin before losing his balance and falling on the marble airport floor, police said.

Winton's face smashed into a wall.

The new details of Winton's arrest were described in a Miami-Dade arrest affidavit.

Winton is charged with two counts of battery on a law enforcement officer, disorderly intoxication and resisting arrest with violence.

He was released early this morning after posting bond, authorities said.

(I love these important guys who have a little drinkie and find themselves floating far above the law...the pictures are always sweet.)

When they Published the Backwards Bush web site and clock, they didn't mean for me to use it like this but I'm thinking it's a fitting way to say goodbye to 8 years of a president who will be looked upon by historians as one of the best.

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Zarqawi...he's quite the terrorist. He's pudged out, has no clue what to do when his weapon jams, swings it around wildly and aren't those Nikes on his feet? Praise Allah.

Watching the news, reading about it on the Internet is tolerable for maybe 10 minutes or so and I have to stop. What are people thinking? Are they thinking?

A few years ago, we were attacked on our own soil. Most think it was the first time, it wasn't but it was pretty spectacular, even more so than Oklahoma City so lets pretend it was the first time.

The conclusion reached by most was that we had a failure of intelligence, not enough "secret" information was channeled and processed by the CIA/NSA/FBI to stop the terrorists and therefore the Bush administration was at fault.

So today we're collecting massive amounts of information, to include some of your telephone records (maybe?) and all I'm hearing is a drumbeat that there's too much "secret" information being channeled and processed by the CIA/NSA/FBI and therefore the Bush administration is at fault.

As recently as 6 months ago I heard how our southern border is out of control. It was said there was no stopping the influx of undocumented Mexicans walking across into our country. The Bush administration, because of the ties of Bush/Cheney with Halliburton/Wal Mart needs the cheap labor of the undocumented laborer, and would never do anything about the issue.

Today, the Bush administration has put forth an aggressive plan to seal the southern border and the reaction is that the immigrants are being treated unfairly, they are not being properly represented in Washington by their elected (?) representatives and the Bush administration isn't doing enough to protect the immigrants that are the very foundation of this country.

In the 1970s, while a Georgia peanut farmer was president, a very likeable fellow, I waited in line for hours to purchase gasoline at inflated prices. We were warned then that to continue to build giant automobiles and depend on foreign oil sources to feed them was folly. As a side note, there were a few that said the air may become more polluted than it was then. The message could not have been any clearer. So, in response, GM built Tahoes, Hummers were the new sign of your success, Ford built a fun SUV that in concert with a tire from our friends at Firestone would roll you over a few times at high speed and we all looked on in amazement when the mideastern situation didn't improve. Go figure.

Today, GM and Ford are tanking at a rate that is creating a suction never before thought possible in American business. That suck factor has created an eddy that is bringing in their suppliers and their suppliers on down the line. The rising price of fuel, while still very reasonable when compared to the rest of the civilized world, is bringing down airlines faster than they landed on 9/11. Grimly determined Cuban cigar smoking Cadillac dealers are advertising "Buy American" in a last ditch attempt to sell shoddy products to less aware consumers who haven't quite snapped to the fact that American cars are just junk, comparitively speaking.

And, of course, it's the fault of the Bush/Cheney administration because they haven't "done something" about the high price of gasoline.

Much like they never got around to doing something about that pesky hurricane Katrina. If GW had put down that guitar, he could have stopped that you know. Ray Nagin said so.

Do we see these sort of headlines about the Islamics so often we just don't notice the incongruities any longer? The following is not complete but is taken directly from one of a dozen news stories on Yahoo today. How can a city be so "Holy", a site be so religious but the slaughter of innocents be so acceptable? Muslims murdering other Muslims of different sects seems to me like Methodists slaughtering Baptists or Quakers going after those damned Presbyterians were it taking place here in Georgia, USA.

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Bombs killed 30 people in Baghdad on Sunday and sectarian attacks wrecked six Shi'ite shrines in a rural area...Near the southern holy Sh'ite city of Kerbala, police found the bodies of five people, blindfolded, bound and with gun shots. Separately, the bodies of four brothers who worked in a humanitarian organization were found beheaded also in Kerbala.


So, if that be religion, please spare me any of that. I think we've sadly underestimated the Iraqi people and given them far more credit than they ever deserved. They are sheep and they needed Saddam to think for them as they are clearly unable to think for themselves.

One of these mounted on your car would change the face of that whole road rage thing.

Eric has been in the internet and computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He sells his company and buys 50 acres of land as far from humanity as possible. Eric sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Eric, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Eric says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Eric, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a well-armed military force? Militia Etheridge.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A guy comes home from work one evening and says,"Honey, pack your bags, I've hit the lottery! All six numbers! The wife replies, "Great honey, shall I pack them for the mountains or the beach?" The guy says, "Mountains, beach, I don't give a fuck, just pack your bags and get the hell out."

A young, good looking, extremely wealthy, 35 year-old guy goes to his doctor for a physical. After his doctor checks him out and finds him in excellent health asks if there's anything he may have missed that's bothering him. The man says everything is fine except for one problem. The doctor asks, "What is it?" The guy says, "Well, every day I wake up around 8am and my wife, a 21-year-old former Miss Brazil who is a gourmet chef and sexual dynamo, goes right under the covers and gives me the most fantastic blowjob in the world, after she finishes that I jump in the shower and she goes downstairs and makes a big beautiful breakfast, which we both eat, after which she insists that I make wild love to her on the kitchen floor before I go to the office." The doctor, a bit taken back asks, "You do that every morning?" The guy responds "Every morning." The doctor asks, "Then what?" "Well", the guy says, "I get to the office and my secretary, who is a 22-year-old beautiful blonde bombshell, and former Miss October 2001, follows me right into the office, gets under my desk and gives me a blowjob that rivals the ones my wife gives me. Then I head out for lunch, return around 2pm, at which time my secretary gathers two other secretaries from the office (both perfect 10s) and the four of us go at it for about two hours on the carpet in front of my desk." The doctor, again taken back asks, "You do that every afternoon?" The guy responds "Every afternoon." The doctors asks, "Then what?" Our hero then says, "Then I go home and my wife has a great big gourmet dinner ready for me, we eat and I take her and our 19-year-old Swedish maid upstairs and the three of us have about an hour-long orgy, then, I watch them go at it for another hour or so and then I go to sleep." The doctor who's jaw is now on the floor, asks, "You do that every night?" The guy responds "Every night." The doctors asks, "So what's the problem!?!" The guy answers, "I get dizzy when I masturbate."

What the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a womens track team? One's a bunch of cunning runts.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender; “A beer please. And one for the road.”

Just Damn!

Little Talbot Island, Florida
2002

Little Talbot Island
2004

Fluffers

Eric has been in the internet and computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He sells his company and buys 50 acres of land as far from humanity as possible. Eric sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Eric, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Eric says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Eric, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his pants and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass.' " "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."

There's been a great loss recently in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. There was a fiasco at his funeral when they had trouble keeping his body in the casket. They put his left leg in and that's when the trouble started.

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, " Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow; I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" The kid says, " $101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat. So, we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft." "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??" The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing!'"

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out you haven't wasted the whole day. (Mickey Rooney)

The guy walks into a bar and pulls up a stool next to a stunningly beautiful redhead. As he orders his drink, he glances at her and notices that she looks really sad. He swings in her direction and says, "Hi there. I don't mean to intrude but you look like you may have lost your best friend. Would you care to talk about it?" She looks up from her drink and replies, "I am sad. Broken hearted really. After 10 years of marriage my husband has left me for good. He said I was too kinky for him and he just couldn't take it anymore." The guy says to her, "My God. That's amazing. My wife just left me for the very same reason. She said she couldn't stand for my perverted demands another day." The redhead looked him in the eye and said, "Well, we seem to have a lot in common. Why don't we finish our drinks and duck around the corner to my place and see if we really do have the same interests?" Upon arriving at her apartment she excuses herself telling him, "I'll be just a minute while I put on something a bit more comfortable. Fix yourself a drink and I'll be right back." About ten minutes pass and she returns dressed in a leather mask, a vinyl body suit, a feather boa, seven inch stiletto heels and carrying a long black whip and a length of heavy rope. She glances around the room and sees the guy exiting her apartment, halfway out the door. "HEY", she yells at him, "I thought we were going to get kinky here!" He looks back at her and replies, "Kinky? I already fucked your cat and shit in your purse. I'm outta here!"

Why it's said that rugby players have leather balls.

The Human Life Span...Mafia Style

Corvette @ 160 uphill

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the guy behind the counter a hammer and some nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Two minder readers walk into a bar. The second one says, "I'll have the same."

You know what you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? You get elephino. You know what you get when you cross an elephant and a rabbit? You get a dead rabbit with a great big hole in it.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Little Talbot Island, Florida
2004

Little Talbot Island, Florida
2004

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" she asked. "Beerfuck," he said.

What's the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your whole week.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.

A skeleton walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me a beer and a mop."

A seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks the seal, "What'll you have?" The seal replies, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

A penguin walks into this bar. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The penguin replies, "Yes. I'm looking for my brother." The bartender asks, "What's he look like?"

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

Flagler Beach, Florida
2003

Flagler Beach, Florida
2003

Testosterone Makes Us Do These things

Two blondes were having coffee and a guy comes along delivering flowers. One blonde says, "Every time my husband gives me flowers he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week." The other blonde asks, "Don’t you have a vase?"

Three cajuns went hunting in a dense swamp. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Beaudreaux turned to Tibideaux and said, "We gotta get Elmer to da hospital quick or he's gonna die." "How 'er we gonna carry 'em?" Tibideaux aksed. "Why dat Elmer, he weighin' a good two hunnert pounds." "Hell Tibideaux! Dat ain't nuttin'," assured Beaudreaux. "We carry bucks out bigge'n 'at, all da time. We kin do it da same way."In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door, and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it." Beaudreaux said, "Yeah, I thought dat gunshot hit 'em in da heart." "No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that." "Damn-it Tibideaux! I told ya we shouldn't a tied 'em to da hood. All dem tree branches smackin' into 'em for da first five mile prob'ly beat 'em to death!" "No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too.' "See, Tibideaux! I kept tellin' ya to hold your end up higher 'cause dat sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hittin' da rocks and logs. An' I'm sure he drowned when we crossed dat crick." "Sheeit Beaudreaux! You was da one dat dropped your end of the pole when you fell off dat rock. Poor old Elmer musta been unner water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole an' fallin' all over yaself." "Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown, and he might have been able to survive that, too." Beaudreaux and Tibideaux looked at each other with puzzled expressions, then asked the doctor, "Den what wuz it dat kills ol' Elmer?" The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that field dressing him probably had a lot to do with it."

A stock broker on his way home from work in New York City came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hilary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her." The stock broker asked, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replied "Only about 4-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A Fsh!