Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Eric has been in the internet and computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He sells his company and buys 50 acres of land as far from humanity as possible. Eric sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Eric, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Eric says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Eric, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a well-armed military force? Militia Etheridge.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A guy comes home from work one evening and says,"Honey, pack your bags, I've hit the lottery! All six numbers! The wife replies, "Great honey, shall I pack them for the mountains or the beach?" The guy says, "Mountains, beach, I don't give a fuck, just pack your bags and get the hell out."

Monday, February 06, 2006

A young, good looking, extremely wealthy, 35 year-old guy goes to his doctor for a physical. After his doctor checks him out and finds him in excellent health asks if there's anything he may have missed that's bothering him. The man says everything is fine except for one problem. The doctor asks, "What is it?" The guy says, "Well, every day I wake up around 8am and my wife, a 21-year-old former Miss Brazil who is a gourmet chef and sexual dynamo, goes right under the covers and gives me the most fantastic blowjob in the world, after she finishes that I jump in the shower and she goes downstairs and makes a big beautiful breakfast, which we both eat, after which she insists that I make wild love to her on the kitchen floor before I go to the office." The doctor, a bit taken back asks, "You do that every morning?" The guy responds "Every morning." The doctor asks, "Then what?" "Well", the guy says, "I get to the office and my secretary, who is a 22-year-old beautiful blonde bombshell, and former Miss October 2001, follows me right into the office, gets under my desk and gives me a blowjob that rivals the ones my wife gives me. Then I head out for lunch, return around 2pm, at which time my secretary gathers two other secretaries from the office (both perfect 10s) and the four of us go at it for about two hours on the carpet in front of my desk." The doctor, again taken back asks, "You do that every afternoon?" The guy responds "Every afternoon." The doctors asks, "Then what?" Our hero then says, "Then I go home and my wife has a great big gourmet dinner ready for me, we eat and I take her and our 19-year-old Swedish maid upstairs and the three of us have about an hour-long orgy, then, I watch them go at it for another hour or so and then I go to sleep." The doctor who's jaw is now on the floor, asks, "You do that every night?" The guy responds "Every night." The doctors asks, "So what's the problem!?!" The guy answers, "I get dizzy when I masturbate."

What the difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a womens track team? One's a bunch of cunning runts.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender; “A beer please. And one for the road.”