Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Eric has been in the internet and computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He sells his company and buys 50 acres of land as far from humanity as possible. Eric sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Eric, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Eric says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Eric, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his pants and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass.' " "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."
A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything-under-one-roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, " Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow; I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?" The kid says, " $101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat. So, we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft." "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??" The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing!'"
Sunday, January 29, 2006
The guy walks into a bar and pulls up a stool next to a stunningly beautiful redhead. As he orders his drink, he glances at her and notices that she looks really sad. He swings in her direction and says, "Hi there. I don't mean to intrude but you look like you may have lost your best friend. Would you care to talk about it?" She looks up from her drink and replies, "I am sad. Broken hearted really. After 10 years of marriage my husband has left me for good. He said I was too kinky for him and he just couldn't take it anymore." The guy says to her, "My God. That's amazing. My wife just left me for the very same reason. She said she couldn't stand for my perverted demands another day." The redhead looked him in the eye and said, "Well, we seem to have a lot in common. Why don't we finish our drinks and duck around the corner to my place and see if we really do have the same interests?" Upon arriving at her apartment she excuses herself telling him, "I'll be just a minute while I put on something a bit more comfortable. Fix yourself a drink and I'll be right back." About ten minutes pass and she returns dressed in a leather mask, a vinyl body suit, a feather boa, seven inch stiletto heels and carrying a long black whip and a length of heavy rope. She glances around the room and sees the guy exiting her apartment, halfway out the door. "HEY", she yells at him, "I thought we were going to get kinky here!" He looks back at her and replies, "Kinky? I already fucked your cat and shit in your purse. I'm outta here!"