Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the guy behind the counter a hammer and some nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Monday, January 23, 2006
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Sunday, January 22, 2006
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" she asked. "Beerfuck," he said.
Three cajuns went hunting in a dense swamp. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Beaudreaux turned to Tibideaux and said, "We gotta get Elmer to da hospital quick or he's gonna die." "How 'er we gonna carry 'em?" Tibideaux aksed. "Why dat Elmer, he weighin' a good two hunnert pounds." "Hell Tibideaux! Dat ain't nuttin'," assured Beaudreaux. "We carry bucks out bigge'n 'at, all da time. We kin do it da same way."In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door, and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it." Beaudreaux said, "Yeah, I thought dat gunshot hit 'em in da heart." "No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder. His chest was only covered with blood, but he might have been able to survive that." "Damn-it Tibideaux! I told ya we shouldn't a tied 'em to da hood. All dem tree branches smackin' into 'em for da first five mile prob'ly beat 'em to death!" "No," said the doctor. "His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations, but he might have been able to survive that, too.' "See, Tibideaux! I kept tellin' ya to hold your end up higher 'cause dat sapling was too thin. When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hittin' da rocks and logs. An' I'm sure he drowned when we crossed dat crick." "Sheeit Beaudreaux! You was da one dat dropped your end of the pole when you fell off dat rock. Poor old Elmer musta been unner water a whole minute while you was fumbling around with that pole an' fallin' all over yaself." "Now fellas," said the doctor. "Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries. But he didn't drown, and he might have been able to survive that, too." Beaudreaux and Tibideaux looked at each other with puzzled expressions, then asked the doctor, "Den what wuz it dat kills ol' Elmer?" The doctor thought for a few moments and said, "My guess is that field dressing him probably had a lot to do with it."
A stock broker on his way home from work in New York City came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hilary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her." The stock broker asked, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replied "Only about 4-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."